Skydiving, Charles Manson and Fear

Courage is not the absence of fear...but the ability to carry on...with dignity...in spite of it.

So, in 2005 I lost my mind completely and jumped out of a perfectly good airplane!  Now many will tell you that I had lost my mind long before that event, and many more times even afterward.  But the bottom line is, I am scared to death of falling and I'm not too fond of heights either!  Perhaps widths even have something to do with it, I can't really say for sure.  Let me set it up for you.

At the time, I was riding a bicycle across the country with Amputees Across America.  This was an organization founded by Joe Sapere, a retired Air Force Colonel (and one of my all time heroes) and school teacher who had actually lost his own foot in a skydiving incident!!  Joe was a person you couldn't be around without smiling because he was one of the most positive people you would ever meet and his personality was entertaining and infectious!  The organization selected different riders and paths across the country each year and I was lucky enough to be one of the riders selected for 2005. To say it was a life changing event is quite the understatement! Amputees Across America's was just what it said it was, too... a transcontinental bicycle and SKYDIVING tour, complete with visitations at rehab centers along the way.

Joe and I sharing a laugh with Harpoon Harry during our ride

We made over 40 stops that year and spoke to hundreds of folks that were currently rehabbing from various injuries.  Hopefully, seeing these crazy amputees biking across the country, jumping out of planes and laughing and joking with anyone and everyone who would listen gave them some hope for the future.  The lives that were touched by the many different riders over the course of 10 years are far too many to count, but if you ask any of the riders, they will tell you that the folks we visited were just as much (or more) of an inspiration to us as we were to them.  I got to see new amputees take their first step with a prosthesis.  I got to see folks that were paralyzed smile give a thumbs up as they went through their rehab.  I got to see a lot of miracles that summer.  People overcoming obstacles that they never thought they'd have to face in their lifetime!

Now if you noticed that tiny word above in the description of what Amputees Across America was about, it does say skydiving.  Apparently, all my eyes saw were bicycle and I completely glossed over the whole skydiving part!  I mean, as far as riding a bike goes, I was down with that!  But sure enough, as the time approached and Joe sent me our itinerary, guess what I saw?  Not one, not two, but THREE different skydiving events!  WHAAAAAAAAT?  "There was no way I could jump out of a perfectly good airplane", I pleaded!  But Joe insisted that there was no such thing as a "perfectly good airplane and that's why they make parachutes!"  I was still not impressed!  I was immediately reminded of the classified advertisement I'd seen that said:  Parachute for sale.  Practically new.  Only used once.  Slightly stained. 

As the time approached for our first jump neared, I began to feel nautious.  I again pleaded to Joe that I wasn't sure I could go through with the skydiving part.  He just smiled and said I didn't HAVE to jump and that nobody would make me do it.  WHEW!!!  I immediately began to feel a little better, but then he added with a twinkle in his eye that in all the other years of the tour, not one rider did NOT do a jump.  Now I had vomit up to my throat!  So I did the only thing a real man could do.  PRAY!  I prayed that God would get me out of this jumping buisness ASAP!  "Dear God, please take this skydive thing away.  Make Joe not wanna go through with it.  Alter the planets, bring up a storm, cripple the planes...something! ANYTHING, but don't make me jump!  I'll ride double the miles the rest of the way!  I'll pray more often, I'll do my chores, I'll work harder, I'll go to bed on time,  I'll be a better person!"  And the promises went on and on for DAYS!  

All I can say is God is GOOD! He answered that prayer for that jump as the skies darkened and storm clouds approached.  Our illustrious and ambitious leader decided that we'd better not chance it, so we scheduled a down day.  Good time to do laundry and reflect...a LOT!  "Thank you, Lord!  You are gracious and merciful!"  Joe had also been nursing a sore shoulder at the time, so he decided it would be better for us to wait for the next jump to give his shoulder a little more time to heal up.  Being totally relieved about this new turn of events, and confident that it was not going to happen on THIS DAY I was like, "Well if  you really think we can't do it, ok!  But I sure was looking forward to it!"  We were on a tight schedule with all our visitations, so our "opportunity" basically disappeared like a set of hubcaps at a Puff Daddy concert!  In the meantime, this gave me another few weeks to pray even more fervantly about the 2nd jump!!!

The closer we got to the 2nd scheduled jump, the sicker I got.  I tried putting it all out of my mind but couldn't.  People thought I was losing weight from the ride when actually I think I was sweating it off in a different way!  The day before the next jump, we were in Albuquerque, NM and were having dinner with an alumni rider.  One of the first things he asked me was if I was doing the jump tomorrow.  I mustered up every bit of manliness I could, looked him right in the eye and then began to stutter and stammer.  I finally told him (ashamedly) how freaked out I was about the whole idea!  Then I told him about my prayers and he looked at me like a kid at Christmas time!  With eyes all aglow he confessed to me that he felt EXACTLY the same way the year he went!  But that he decided he would somehow do it and to his surprise it was nothing like what he thought it would be!  He asked me if I liked the roller coaster rides.  I said no.  He asked me if I liked the Ferris Wheel rides and I said no.  He said, "My friend, I have good news and tidings of great joy!!!  There is no feeling of your stomach coming up into your chest or anything at all like that.  It was like floating on a cotton ball!"  (I'm thinking to myself, "What floats at 120 mph straight down towards the ground?!")  So to show you what kind of sense of humor God has, he allowed this man...this "spawn of Satan" to talk me into jumping out of a "perfectly good airplane" the very next day!

The jump was scheduled for Canon City, Colorado.  Shux, I couldn't think of a better place to splatter all over God's creation!  Actually there was snow on top of the mountains (in the middle of summer) there and I thought, "hey, maybe I'll get lucky and land in a big pile of snow somewhere and it'll cushion the blow!"  When we got there, my knees are knocking, my mouth was dry, my hands were sweating and my teeth were chattering.  The bean burritos I had the night before wasn't doing me any favors at the time either. But don't you know they took me into this little room and brought me out what seemed like a whole ream of paper that I was supposed to read and sign.  I told them flat out, I wouldn't be reading the first word on these disclaimers or else I wouldn't jump.  Just show me where to sign and I'm good.  I had already decided in my mind that today is the day that Mr. Bill goes down (see how I phrased that?).  If that wasn't bad enough, they would next, stick a video in and tell me I have to watch this video.  I told them I would not be doing that at all and I would in fact close my eyes, hold my hands over my ears and not listen!!  And they may as well not show it or else.... I wouldn't jump!  They said they HAD to play it and they did.  But no sir, I did NOT listen or watch any of it.  Or else...you know...I wouldn't jump! 

As if it couldn't get any worse, they took me into another little room to get me ready and go over a few "safety" precautions.  My legs were already like rubber and quickly turning to Jell-O (the nervous Jell-O that kinda shakes when you move it).  They gave me a pair of coveralls and asked me if I thought my leg would stay on or if I wanted to jump without my leg.  Really?  You guys are the pros at this, you tell ME!!!  At this point, I'm so frightened I didn't even want to consider any such issues or make any kind of significant decisions... or else...yeah, you guessed it...I wouldn't jump!  So they decided to duck tape my coveralls (and by this time, I'm thinking my mouth would be next) around the ankle part of my leg really tight to keep the leg from sliding out, should it become dislodged during the jump.  I thought they might tape the other one too, just to make sure one of the twins didn't roll out when we hit the ground! Then it got REALLY better when they offered me a "helmet"... a leather one!!  A LEATHER HELMET!!!  The kind you used to see the old NFL players wearing back in the 1800's.  The same players that when their playing careers were over, got crayons for Christmas for the rest of their life! 

"Today is the day I die!" I'd convinced myself.  The more I told myself that, the easier it became for me to go through all their pre-flight malarkey!  In fact, for some reason.  I was starting to feel all better about this.  I mean...this was a tandem jump and I would be attached to my Tandem Master, me in front and him in back.  A person who jumps with people all the time, who is trained and has been exposed to other cowards.  What could possibly go wrong?  Right?  They do this stuff every day with no incidents (I presumed up to that point at least).  However... God, with his incredibly whimsical sense of humor decided to throw me the curveball again (knowing it frustrated me all my baseball days)!  My Tandem Master walks in to brief me on what to expect, and I swear ya'll.... He was the spitting image of none other than Charles Manson!  I'll never forget it as long as I live!  And to be quite frank with you, as he got closer, I can't swear to it, but in my own mind he wreaked of alcohol too!  He smiled and winked and began his dissertation.  I heard nothing, however because all I could think of was I'm gonna be jumping out of a perfectly good airplane and counting on a drunk Charles Manson to guide me to safety!  Oh and guess what?  I didn't just pay for the jump, I wanted pictures and video too! 

Welp, the time came for us to load up and as I came out of the shop area, the videographer was standing there and gestured to me to wave to the camera.  "This is my last wave I'll ever do and it's gonna be captured on film," I thought to myself!  From the looks of the sweat dripping from my face, you would have thought my mouth would have been able to construct a word, but when I tried to say anything, all that came out was the sound a zombie from and episode of  "The Walking Dead" would make, "ccccuuuuhhhhpppzzzeee", which translated was "Lord, help ME NOW!" I climbed up into the back of a pickup truck that was to carry me to the plane that would lift me to the sky that would drop me to the ground where I would land 350 feet deep into the earth!  With a convicted killer strapped behind me!  Or would he even be there.  I envisioned him cutting me loose at the very last second!!

The plane was tiny.  I'm talking teenie-tiny.  I didn't know they made planes this small.  The truck I climbed out of seemed bigger than this plane!  There was room for the pilot, the videographer, myself and Charles Manson!  We may not be able to even get this sucker off the ground!  I don't even think it took jet fuel.  I could have swore I seen them putting that mixed oil and gas fuel in there like they put in weed eaters!  I think the engine was a pull start like the one on my lawn mower!  I'm talking SMALL!  The windows were duck taped in.  Oh and the door...gone!  I was sitting on the floor of this plane (No seats and you couldn't stand) in front of Charles Manson in this matchbox of an airplane with the windows duck taped in and just one big swarping bank to the left and I was gonna be out the door!  We taxied down the runway (or were 2 people behind us pushing it so the pilot could pop the clutch) and the next thing we know we were in the air!  Oddly enough, even with no door, this didn't bother me too much.  The only thing that I could think of was how hard it was gonna be to get me OUT of the plane!  We began to climb and climb until we were well above the snow topped mountains.  I quickly began scoping out a place I wanted to land in the snow!  The videographer starts up his camera, points it right at me and asked me how I liked it "up here".  I wanted to just smack him right in the mouth, but when you're frightened, sometimes you just freeze up.  I froze up!  So I tried to get the words to come out of my mouth, but all I could feel was cotton in my mouth.  And it was growing!!  I was a dry as the Sahara Desert in mid July!  I think I finally mumbled something along the lines of how pretty it all was.  He finally says, "well pretty soon, you're gonna be out there amongst all that beauty!"  Great....what was I thinking???

I could feel Charlie Manson coming up from behind me now.  So I turned to him and asked him for a drink of whatever he was having.  Ya know, he didn't even smile.  Then I asked him about how many jumps he makes a day.  This was a Saturday morning I believe, and he mentioned that he'd done about 15 the day before!  My heart sank and I screamed at him, "NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BECOME COMPLACENT!!"  He smiled his little Charlie Manson smile and continued to hook up.  We finally reach altitude and he motions for me to move toward the door (the one that isn't there)!  I slowly began to inch my bottom closer to the door.  Every time I'd move what seemed to me 3 yards (but was probably only 3 inches), he'd say, "keep going!" 

During my 10 minute instruction dissertation, Mr. Manson told me that when it was time to jump, I would ease my way out the door of the plane.  When I say OUT, I mean out...to the point of my bottom would barely be touching the plane.  Like an INCH... and my feet (foot, depending on how you wanna look at it) would be curled up underneath the aircraft (if you can call it that). This would be the tightest my butt had ever been!  I was instructed that when I got that far, NOT to look down because the videographer was going to be standing out there already, holding on to who knows what, ready to video me coming out and he wanted to get my face in the shot.  Oh boy, this will be good!  When I got into position, Charlie would tap my shoulder and that was the cue for me to cross my arms over my chest and grasp my harness straps tightly (that part, he didn't have to tell me to do).  He would begin to rock back and forth and on the count of three we would come out of the plane!  I had two thoughts at this time..."You can DO this!" and "Yes, I'm going to DIE!"  With my butt barely in, I curl my legs beneath the plane and I immediately feel Charlie's hand on my forehead pulling it back because, YOU GUESSED IT...I was looking STRAIGHT DOWN!  I was nearly in pass-out mode!  Then I figured out the whole reason he wanted me to grab my harness.  As I was inching toward the door I asked him what all those marks on the inside of the plane doorway was.  He said those were merely the fingernail marks of previous jumpers!  I then turn and ask him if he FOR SURE was REALLY attached to me!!  Ya know, by this time, he must have been tired of talking because he never even answered me.  He merely smiled and motioned to me to continue!  The next thing I know is we are now rocking...ONE....(the thought enters my mind to abort)....TWO....(the attempt to yell ABORT, but see the earlier comments about cotton mouth)...I finally get out the S part of STOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPP... but by then he had shoved me out of the plane!  The picture that was taken of me coming out of the plane looked like I was in mid childbirth with no anesthesia and screaming, "I WANT MY MOMMY!"  We came out of the plane and at that very moment we began to float just as my friend said!  Smiles replaced the cries for Mommy and it was the most exhilarating experience I've ever had in my life! 

A chipmunk and Charles Manson go skydiving...

As we were hurdling toward the ground at 120 mph, with the roar of the air in my face, I exhibited the face of a fat faced beaver having the time of his life!  My impulse was to scream out of shear joy and excitement but wind in your face going that fast prohibits you from ever doing that!  So I did the only other thing I could do....I stuck out my tongue and smiled!  It was AWESOME!!!  The roaring in my ears kept me from being able to make any sounds, but I was smiling, giving thumbs up and having the time of my life!  It was over all too soon as Charlie began to tap my shoulder, which meant for me to grab my harness again and to prepare for a pretty big jolt as he pulled the rip cord!  I grabbed the harness tight (again) as this was my next biggest fear (See the above comment about one of the twins) and wrapped my fingers around it tightly.  When he pulled the rip cord, it jerked me up so hard, I seriously thought I had broken one of my fingers beneath the harness.  At this point, I didn't care!  The roaring in my ears became almost completely silent, and peaceful bliss overcame me as we floated gently and softly to the ground.  Charlie even allowed me to steer us for a little while!  The last time I had steered something so unfamiliar to me was when I was about 7 and had successfully steered a pontoon boat into some seaweed in Lake Michigan.  We landed perfectly (although missing our sand pit...I know, I shouldn't have ever been allowed to steer) and I was so euphoric, I could hardly contain my enthusiasm when we hit the ground!  I hugged the videographer, Charlie Manson and some stranger standing close by!  I got down on my hands and knees and kissed the ground!  I had done something that I was totally afraid to do, scared out of my wits and was not only able to survive it, but had the time of my life!  It was such a rush and I'll never forget it!  And as it turns out, this was the ONLY time during the ride that I could have jumped as we were pressed for time the day our final jump was to take place so if I hadn't have jumped this time, I probably never would have done it!

Sometimes in this life we are faced with things that scare us.  It could be an illness, an injury or a traumatic event that we just aren't sure if we can get through.  I know when I lost my foot, there were very many times at first that I didn't think I could get through it.  But when we face adversity (and you will face adversity), and come through it, it will make you stronger. 

I can remember lying in the hospital wondering if I was even gonna live after losing my leg.  My father came in to see me and he was a man of very few words.  He came over and squeezed my hand and asked me if I was ok.  I had never seen this man cry before, but saw tears in his eyes as he looked at me.  I told him that I was scared.  He told me something I'd never forget.  A quote from Scott Turow:

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but the ability to carry on with dignity, in spite of it."
-- Scott Turow

Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie and Prosthetics!

Welcome to my first blog! Let me tell you a little about myself! I'm a 55 year old man living in the  beautiful bluegrass state of Kentucky. I am a left leg below knee amputee of some 33 years now! I lost my leg at the tender age of 22 when a tractor I was on flipped over in Nitro, West Virginia back in November of 1982.  It completely severed my left foot just above my ankle. I never realized it was even gone at first, but eventually the pain won me over in a big way.  When you look down and it's gone, you immediately think to yourself, "this ain't right!"  And it will WAKE YOU UP on a chilly fall morning!

This blog is just an attempt to tell my story of the life and times of amputee living! For the most part, it won't be anything earth shattering. It will be a light hearted approach to giving you an insight to what it's like to be me! If you're like me, you're already excited about it!  If you're an amputee, you'll understand and appreciate a lot of the stories I write.  If you're not an amputee, I still hope you can laugh and appreciate the humor involved.

One thing I want to say about having a traumatic accident that takes a limb.  It is a life changer and can be the closest thing to death that you may experience, short of death. HOWEVER, you can look at it one of two ways.  You can let it take over your life or you can take a deep breath and once the pain is over, you can actually have a lot of fun with it!  I chose option no. 2!  It doesn't necessarily happen overnight, but don't give up on your dreams, EVER!

Being a young man when I lost my leg and used to being very active, I was determined to continue living my life the same way. I was playing a lot of church league softball and basketball before my accident and decided that I would do everything I could to continue to do that. After some time and rehab, I began by playing softball in my church league. I was so excited! I found out right away, as an amputee, I wasn't quite as agile as I used to be and the prosthetics certainly pale in comparison to today's technological standards. However, I was determined to give it the good old college effort. This particular day, it was very hot and muggy. We were playing two games and I was on the mound for our team (Ok, it's slow pitch softball and there is NO MOUND, but I was still pitching). I hated wearing a suspension belt because it was uncomfortable and cramped my style! So I had a rubber suspension sleeve that rolled up over my knee to hold my leg on.  Needless to say that only made my leg even HOTTER!  Each inning when I came in, I had to take my leg off and dry it so it wouldn't slip off!  One inning there was a high one hopper that I leaped to catch in the air and while in mid air, the leg literally fell to the ground!  We're talking HOT!

After I "got myself together", I found myself batting in the next inning and as luck would have it, I fashioned a nice "slow roller" that I like to call a swinging bunt to the left side of the infield.  I took off down the first base line determined to beat it out and about midway to first, I realized I was face down in the dirt and thinking, "How in the cat hair did I get down here?"  About the same time I realized you could hear a pin drop on the field.  Not a peep from our players, other players, spectators or common taters.  How odd, I thought!  About that time I felt a little wind come over "stumpy"... and I looked toward the pitcher and there lays my leg!  What the WHAT?!?!?  Just like somebody had placed it there!  Ok, Mr. Vanover, you can't get out of this.  I all of a sudden became the main attraction, like it or not!

Jimmy Stewart as
Monty Stratton

Our opponent's bench and fan base were all along the 1st base line (of course) and finally I heard a whisper from that area, "...that guy's leg came off..."  No kidding!  Brilliant deduction, Watson!  My teammates ran out to the field and I continued to lie on the ground face down but laughing quietly to myself.  They saw my chest rising and falling and my shoulders moving and thought maybe I'd gone into convulsions or something but I was seriously cracking up at this point.  One of our players leans over, gently taps me on the shoulder and says, "Vanover?  Are you alright?"  At this point I remembered a line from a 1949 baseball movie "The Stratton Story" about a star Major League baseball player, played by Jimmy Stewart who had lost his leg in a hunting accident during the off season.  In the movie, the player eventually decided to try a comeback.  As it turned out, he was in a very "similar" situation as I was in, so the line came to me naturally.  As I rolled over and through muffled chuckles, I was able to mutter, "I think I started my slide a little early!" 

I learned early there was a certain shock value associated with being an amputee.  But depending on how I handled the whole thing, I could either put someone at ease or make them very uptight.  The folks on the softball field that day were put at ease by my jokes and we all had fun with it.

Kids are the best.  Parents don't want them to stare or ask questions.  So they go to extremes to keep them away.  Sometimes, they can't get away and I long for those moments when I can talk to the kids (insert evil grin here).

Once at a company outing at a professional baseball game, I found myself sitting behind a coworker and his two small children.  As luck would have it (for me), the kids couldn't help but stare as the parents tried desperately to keep them from looking.  It was hot (again) at the game, and I had managed to pull my leg out of my prosthesis and used it for a drink holder (don't laugh, you're just mad you never thought of it first!)  That particular drink holder didn't do much for squelching the kids' enthusiasm for looking at my leg!  The parents would apologize to me and I would assure them it was ok and that they were just curious.  Finally, about the 4th inning, one of the kids couldn't take it anymore.  He just comes out with, "what happened to your leg?"  The moment I had been waiting for!  Breaking into my Andy Griffith tone, I decided I'd explain to him what "really happened".  So I said that when I was a young boy....about (looking a little unsure of the exact age I was)..."well how old are you?" I asked.  He said he was 5.  So I nodded and said carefully that when I was about "your age", (by this time,  the mother looked like she may pass out and had somewhat of a frantic look on her face), I said, "My mother told me I should always eat my vegetables... and when I refused, she told me I'd one day be sorry.  So see what happens when you don't eat your vegetables?"  His mother breathed a sigh of relief and I could see a smile on her face.  But the little girl was still confused.  She said, "Well you still have ONE LEG!"  I saved the story by telling her that it was at that point I started eating my vegetables!  This seemed to satisfy both kids AND the parents!

As George W. Bush may have once said, "There's a saying here in Texas...uh...well everywhere I

guess...that when life throws you a curveball...um...well...make lemonade!"

Adversity comes to us all at one time or another.  If it hasn't come to you yet, be thankful.  But hold on because it's coming.  How you handle it can make a big difference in how you live the rest of your life.  And think of the chances you'll miss on making a positive impact on somebody else's life!